outside the bosses office.

My cube mate/ buddy at work really threw me one for a punch Monday after lunch.
She took me in the conference room to tell me that she talked to the boss and that she wants to be moved. That she is having a hard time concentrating and that I'm a distraction. I was dumb founded! We have worked together for a year. She requested to sit with me. We gop for walks and eat lunch together. Then she told me that she wants to trade with one of two people that I can NOT work with. I told her that I would not be able to work with this person and she told me that I will work things out. Oh I worked things out. I wrote an email to the boss telling him that she informed me that she wants to move and before he put someone next to me we need to talk. So he took me in his office and said that he was actually going to ask me to more. I said yes. I didn't tell my mate and when she found out she was a little upset. But you know what she wanted the separation so she got it. I moved to my new place at 4 today. My new cube mate is very nice. She will be a little upset in the morning because I'm not going to allow her to have her heater plugged into my power strip. Hopefully she will be okay with it.
So that has been going on and my heartburn/pressure has come back and with full force.
I took yesterday off because of it.
Oh and I forgot the new seating is right outside of the bosses office...... easier for him to call me in to lecture me I guess!

This is my voice stop borrowing it.

Sooo.. Apparently my voice hasn't changed since high school. First a friend I haven't seen in over 20 years told me that about a month ago that my voice still sounds the same.
Then yesterday I was at the grocery store talking to the cashier when the guy behind me says Hi(DAY). I smile and look at him with total surprise. I had no idea who this 40 year old man with gray hair is talking to me. He says it Johnathan ***** I say okay. He says from high school. I'm still standing there with this dumb smile and no recall. He says we worked at Burger king together. Still nothing. He says wait let me get out a photo of me with dark hair. He looked familiar but I'm really bad with the whole name face thing. I felt bad that I could recollect him. Poor guy.
Now today while I was at the Gallery, I was talking with this nice girl working there. She was in her early twenties. We talked for about 10 minutes when she suddenly says are you (DAY)? I was once again surprised and said yes, how do you know that? She has this puzzled look on her face and she says are you on the radio? Now I'm like what?? and I say nooo... SHe then tells me that I sound exactly like this lady on the radio who name is (DAY). I'm like really and tell her what happened yesterday. We are both like wow.
I'm thinking either I have a very common voice or a very odd one. NOT sure. I do know that my daughters friends have to be very careful to make sure they are talking to the right person for they have mistaken me for her and told me things that wellll... lets just say got her busted. Plus most people who call seem to have this problem because they always ask for me even though I answered the phone. Including my own father.
All I have to say is this is my voice so stop borrowing it.

Only time will tell.

Sometimes I have days when I fight with myself over doing and the just being. Let me explain. I have always been the type of person who likes to be busy. Over the years I raised three children while either working full time or going to school. So when the kids grew up I found that I was not happy just sitting around. I picked up art supplies and started to get back into making art. Of course I do spend time with the family or clean house and the normal things that people do, but sometimes I get in this strange mood were I feel stuck in the just being. Like I want to go do stuff, but yet I want to just not doing anything. It's like my brain wants to but my body is not motivated or vise versa. I say this because I can't really tell which is ruling. I'll pace the floor, but doing anything. I'll sit for few moments, but feel like I'm wasting time. This makes for a hard day for me. Also this is opposite of my husband who likes/enjoys hours of total relaxation in front of the tube. When I have this type of day I get very frustrated and possibly anxious.

So yesterday I had this type of day. The whole day went by wasted and around 8 pm my husband said let go for a ride. I said to where? He said just for a drive. I didn't want to just go for a drive. I said we are boring. We don't do anything or go any where. We don't have friends that we hang out with as a couple. I said we don't entertain or do anything out with the kids. OH MY this caused some loud discussions.

See the main problem is he is perfectly content with this life style. Where I want more. I want more gatherings with people. More interactions with friends. Possibly having people over to entertain.

When I started this blog I decided to find friends, do things out side of the house, and find ways to have fun. Just because my husband doesn't want to doesn't mean that I shouldn't right? I mean I have to feel fulfilled in my life. The problem is I want my husband to be more interactive in it. I'm afraid that we will grow apart. As it is there are so many things that are different about us. When the kids are adults will there be anything left to keep us together? Yes we love each other, but is that enough. Only time will tell if we are both at the top of the stairs together.

It's not an affair really!!

How do I get myself in to situations?? I mentioned that a (ex-boy)friend I haven't seen in about 20 years recently got in touch we me. He is married with kids (a new born)and I am married with kids... we just want to talk and be friends. So anyways we decided to meet for lunch. I told my husband, but apparently he didn't tell his wife. Well we have been talking on line about life and art and family. Sometimes we have been getting a little goofy or flirtatious, but really nothing serious. A few conversations that we had we talked down to heart about what life has been going on for the last 20 years. I don't know what I was thinking and I told him a few things that I didn't want others to know.

He was even talking about inviting us over to his house for dinner so we could all meet. That is until the other day.... When his wife found out about the lunch. I guess this made her upset so some how she went on his mail and READ what we had talked about. She of course took it the wrong way, because that day he told me that his wife thought we were having an affair. (I told my husband about her thinking I was having an affair) Then he made things worse because he told her that I was his ex-girl friend (the one thing that we said we weren't going to tell our spouses). He told her that we were just friends, but I guess she doesn't believe him. Honestly I don't want him. Well I can understand it might be partually hormonal from having a new baby and if I read cutesy stuff from another woman to my husband I would be upset too.

Now here is the thing. I'm not sure exactly what she read and that makes me uncomfortable. He says that he deleted the mail that was Personal, but how am to really know. If I ever meet her now I believe that I will feel uncomfortable. It's like I wont know what she is thinking. See I just keep getting myself in these situations.

One Day at a Time.

I tell you it is not good for me to have extra time on my hands. Idle time that is. 10 days of vacation is starting to have it's tole on me. I get bored and then I think about things that I shouldn't. Past things... or should I say things that I want to keep in the past. Or things that I don't need. It becomes an obsession... like my thoughts have more control over me then I do.

As you may remember I am a co-dependant. Now this means that I try to control ((no that is a heavy word... give advice, be involved, etc.)) others... Not because I want to be bossy, but because I want to help. Like if I don't help then they can't do it right or that they wont be able to accomplish it. I know that must sound strange, but it's something that I have to deal with. It's not like I want to be like that. Well once I find out that say some one is sad or on drugs or having problems dealing with life it becomes all I can think about. It takes over my life. I can't get it off my mind. The problem is that (and I know this from experience) I can't help them. They have to want to help themselves. AS much as I know this I can't stop thinking about it. That is my addiction. This is want make me a co-dependant.

So you see my mind is not always my own. Just being a person who get bored easy, feel alone often and thinks too much I can sometimes drive myself crazy. This is were the past comes in here. I have been thinking a lot about drinking and drugs. Not that I will, but that I did them and what it felt like and the fact that for a brief moment life can be absorbed and I don't have to deal with it. Then I tell myself that although I was never classified as an addict with these chemicals that Just having such deep thoughts about them over the years might be that I was/am. I'm not going to give up 13 years of sobriety, but it's Hard. Its really hard and the world man it's not easy.

I'm hoping that now that the Holidays are over maybe JUST MAYBE life can get back on track. Things will get better and I will fill my life with none stressful things. ((Stress.. Now that's for a different day.)) But I have to get back on track so that I can stop thinking so much about others. One thing that I tell people that I sponsor is the only person that you have control over is you. SO focus on you and then the rest will fall in to place. So that is what I need to do. Focus on me.

One day at a time.

10 things for New Year 2009

1. Show Love more
2. Express gratitude towards my family
3. Try Yoga
4. Draw and paint more
5. Spend time with friends and family
6. Take more walks
7. Try/cook new foods
8. Listen more - talk less
9. Say please and thank you
10. Take care of the one person I can.. ME

One Day at a time!

Nothing is ever simple

I've had some strange situations lately.
About a month ago a friend asked me to join a website to sponsor her. So reluctantly I agreed. It actually turned out to be a good thing, because...
two friends from when I was a teenager looked me up on it and emailed me. I have met with both of them separately and we clicked just like old times. WE are suppose to get together all of us with our families for dinner in January. Here's the thing they asked me to join f a c e b o o k. I did. Things were going pretty good until yesterday. The thing is I wasn't thinking and I showed it to my mother in law... Who decided to join and who now has me as a friend on there. This mean that I will have to watch what I write on it. That I'm sure you can see take some of the fun out of it. Actually it take some fun out of the blog too, because there are things now that I can't write on here. Why do things always have to be so darn complicated?

Here is something that I have been thinking a lot.
One thing that I find myself caught up in a lot is loneliness. It happens to me at the weirdest times. Sometimes to the point that I consider it confusing.
At work at my desk. There I am surrounded by people, but I feel lonely because everyone is busy.
At home, even though everyone is home. They are all doing things that make them happy or busy and I feel left out.
Shopping by myself I wish that someone was there keeping me company.
Even driving in the car I feel alone.
No I'm not depressed.
It seems these days that most of my friends are on line. Even though they are real and we chat it is not the same as face to face conversation.
Therefore I believe that I may overwhelm people some times when they sit down with me to chat because I get such great joy out of being with friends.

The only time that I don't have these feelings is when I'm wrapped up in my art work. During this time I can let my thoughts go and tune out the outside world. What I don't understand is why, when I do have the opportunity and I'm having these feeling of lonesomeness why I don't think of absorbing myself in my art work? It's like the emotional side of me is stronger then my creative side.